When you clean and declutter your life, you’re going to find old, and sometimes painful pieces of your past. This is a love letter to the younger.. me. I wish she knew how strong she was, but the good news - I know now.
I ‘ve been going through lots of boxes and recently found my old running journals. This is pre-Strava or running apps. In these journals, you log your mileage and workouts and even put notes about how you felt… and for some of us.. WHAT YOU ATE.
“Dear God.” It’s the only appropriate answer for that tiny food log listed out beside my daily runs. And over to the side, there were phrases like “gotta get it together,” and “do better.” It was a tough thing to see. Especially after I decided to add up the daily calories I’d listed and discover I was barely surviving on roughly 1,000 calories a day… as an athlete. But at the time, in my mind, I was never working hard enough and I still wasn’t disciplined enough to “get it right.”
A little back story for those who don’t know. I was a fat kid. A really fat kid. And it didn’t matter how active I was as a child, and I was SO ACTIVE… I was fat. I ate. A lot. And as a grown woman with much understanding now, looking back, I was sad and lonely and just trying to feel better. My family and friends loved me but there was always an all-out assault on how to make little chubby Mary…thinner. It didn’t work. In fact, it always felt like shame, and made me eat even more. Until one day, it all stopped. Literally. I’d had enough and just decided to stop eating altogether. One sad extreme to another. And as a runner, it’s easy to hide in plain sight because the problem surges through our sport like an electric current and it’s nearly impossible to shut off the power. It became a cycle that lasted far too long.
So now, it’s a conversation I’m having daily. With my athletes.. and the old me.
Our bodies are machines and not only do they need the loving nourishment of food and fuel.. they… YOU .. deserve it.
The experience of clearing out the junk of the past usually goes one of two ways, but today I’m grateful. And sad. For the young woman I used to be but also for the I machine I made with hard work and brutal honesty. Sometimes you really have to decide if you’re willing to save yourself.. then take that scary step forward AND.. really hear me .. AND be willing to fail. I’m so grateful to be happy and healthy but the road was a long one and definitely not always fun. But we’re here. We made it. And it’s time to celebrate what’s still to come.
Cheers!
