Running is a gift. It’s a gift we give ourselves. I’m lucky enough to be a coach so it’s a gift I can also give away. It’s something we do to keep our bodies healthy but it’s also something we do to clear the mind. It’s a beautiful thing when you stop to think about it. It’s a chance to get outside and explore the world around you…on foot. The cliché’ saying is “running is cheaper than therapy.” I actually think it’s a nice compliment to quality couch time ;)
But..what happens when the time you spend on your run becomes the time you can’t seem to break free from your brain? Full disclosure time…because I write to help others through my experience as a coach and a human. I suffer from clinical depression. Those closest to me know this already… but many would never have a clue. It’s something I’ve dealt with for a while and it creates different challenges every day…but the point of this post is to talk about the role it played and still plays in my running.
Everyone tells you to go for a run and just “clear your mind.” One of the “gifts” you get from depression is the inability to do just that. Your mind races with everything from anxiety to guilt about a laundry list of things that may or may not be warranted, but nonetheless, it’s intense. I would find myself getting angry and bitter because I was being robbed of the only time in the day when I could really focus on me. My runs became less about finding my pace and more about fighting back tears. The anxiety turned to dread which turned to fear and then to guilt. Why couldn’t I just get up and do the work? Why couldn’t I just turn off my brain and be…better? It’s hard to step back and realize it’s the illness and not something you’re doing wrong. I’m also a cancer survivor and there’s something powerful about that title that makes you feel tough enough to take on the world. “I beat this deadly disease. Why can’t I just be me again?” We all wish it worked that way, but sometimes, it just doesn’t.
So, why am I sharing this post with you today? Because I have a feeling that many of my running friends and family face similar situations every day. And today I want to help. I’m not a doctor or a therapist but I am an athlete who continues to train and race through it and I’m working hard to make sure my life is still my own. So here are some of my suggestions if you find yourself in the same situation:
First and foremost – Don’t be afraid to get help: Even if it’s just talking to your family physician. If you’re feeling a sense of sadness that never seems to go away, tell them. The good news is you don’t have to feel this way forever. With the help of a good mental health professional and the proper treatment protocol, you can work your way back to "you."
Don’t be afraid to push: Therapy is great but so is a hard run. There are times when I say to myself, “I needed to hurt to remind myself that I’m still here.” We can find ourselves feeling numb from time to time. A hard run can knock the numb right out of you and get your body and your brain back on track.
Support group: For some athletes, running with a group can be the best medicine because it gets you out of the house and around people who share the same passions as you. You don’t have to talk about yourself and you can listen to others, while you wander around your city streets with your peeps. There’s also something about having a group of people to hold you accountable. It gives you more motivation to show up instead of going home and crawling under the covers on the days that depression says “you should probably be alone.”
Be Alone: now to completely contradict what I just said about finding your group – there are times when you need to do the work by your lonesome. These runs are the hardest but they’re also the ones where the magic happens when it comes to facing down “the demons.” I’ve worked through some of the most difficult times by having hard conversations with myself while winding around a rocky mountain trail. It can be brutal but also beautiful because you’re solving problems on a run but also in your mind. You come face to face with what’s really going on and there’s definitely nowhere to hide.
Be present: Depression is a cruel disease. It’s unlike cancer or other illnesses and many times it’s overlooked and underdiagnosed. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the weight of it but it’s so important to stay focused on the “here and the now.” Take each day, each run, each step…just as it comes. You can’t get caught up in the stress that snowballs and steals the joy from the things you love the most.
Be patient: There will be days you find it hard to get out of bed…and you know what? That is perfectly ok. Be kind to yourself and the people who support and love you. Go for a run and get outside but know it’s ok to cut yourself some slack when the weight of the world becomes a little too much.
Again, I’m no doctor or therapist but I am runner in the real world, who’s biggest goal is to make sure my athletes, my friends and family and other coaches understand that it’s ok if you’re struggling...and there is help. You don’t have to give up the things you love, but your perspective may change and that’s not always a bad thing. Be kind to each other. Be aware if someone around you is struggling. But most of all, be willing to ask for help. It’s there. You just have to accept it.