I’m a sunset.
And that’s not necessarily a bad thing but it can definitely change the way you see.
It’s the time of year when everyone starts to focus on their failures. We’d like to think we’re fixated on the future but it’s only because we’re so disappointed with the past. I’m speaking in generalities of course, but for so many folks, this is the time to look back and be sad for the broken promises you didn’t keep or those big ideas that burned out before you ever got started.
I’ve been there. I’ve gone pro there. I love to live in the space of all the things I said I’d change. Big to small. It’s all the same and I get angry for the time I’ve wasted. You see, when you’re faced with sickness, you swear you’ll live a different life. It’s short so I promised to embrace it. I’m a miracle, after all, but the problem with miracles is they don’t last, and your life is still your life when the rest of the world spins on, just the same. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean the goodness of the gift doesn’t exist.. I just mean we don’t get to sit in that safe space and just…wait.
Some days I wish we did. Some days I’m ready for a break. But the guilt of that gift gets in the way.
My biggest struggle in life is the lack of hours in a day. Not enough time to do or say all the things.
But remember, I’m a sunset and I’ve watched this world before, when it was fading and felt further and further away. You can focus on the failures but you can’t undo the past. But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell to face. So now, the best bit of me I can give to you is the permission to find and feel grace. Real grace. The honest kind. The kind you give yourself but also give away. You can vow to lose 5lbs or start that Couch to 5k BUT if you hate yourself and the life you’ve made, that’s a miserable price to pay.
I’ve made all the plans and made a little peace but that miracle had its way with me and changed who I was going to be. I may be a sunset fading today, but tomorrow is coming either way, and you get to choose the sunrise you’ll see.
